I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
