His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Drunk is a universal language darling
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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