We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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