they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
