ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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