You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
