maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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