I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
