I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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