people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
