Everything about him screamed your future.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My penis needs a shock collar
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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