I'm so fucking centered right now
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
