I faked an abortion last night.
just tell him i said nine months
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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