My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
