Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
