I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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