you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
