I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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