remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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