I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
