This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
