I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
