I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Randomize
