Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
