i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she looked like the before picture.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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