I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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