Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
