i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
