Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
