somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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