you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
