so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He better not be in your backpack
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
