dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
