i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
