if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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