gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
