And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
