How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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