Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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