Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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