im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just saw a hot homeless man
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Randomize
