You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
