I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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