you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
