I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
