Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Welp...herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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