I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
