Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
