i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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