My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
