I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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