worst night to have a conscience
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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