3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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