A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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