At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
