I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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